Sunday, April 4, 2010
sighhh time jz blinks fast doesnt it? i keep telling myself it's 2010 but my heart doesn't seem to accept that fact. why am i living each second so restlessly? i take things for granted alot and that's why i waste alot of my time.
i really miss my past, and maybe, that's why i don't seem to move on with my present life, at the same time, ironically, i'm planning my future.
it seems as if juz yesterday i graduated from prim school, a few hours ago in form 2 dj, and taman sea, a dream last night.and if it's true, i have wasted alot of time overnight.
i can't tell between good or bad.right or wrong.benefiting or stealing.happy or sad.my emotions are mixed up.i keep asking for me but taking from myself even more.i can't seem to be satisfied at all, and really ungrateful.
i have friends, but i can't tell their true self, one says this the other says that. i have family but the fights dun seem to be forgiven nor forgotten.i have Lucky,thankfully,a shoulder to lean on, but won't help much with solving the problems.i want so much things to be done prefectly, but i have just so little time. i want to have fun, i dun want to work, but i feel really useless and irresponsible.
i'm like a damsel in distress.
i'm not poor,nor am i rich, nor am i average.i'm like living in a world of my own , where my selfishness is the king.i want people to listen to what i say, but i dun want them to offer to listen. i want to speak whenever i want, and not when they asked me to.i dun want to feel like a burden to people, but i can't seem to please anyone.
i want to help people, but i can only listen, not help.i want to pursue my dreams, but the obstacle is so huge i'm not sure if there is even a road behind it.
what if i slept tonight and never woke up?what if i did?
i have faith but sometimes i have faith that i don't have faith.
i can't seem to see bright sides, instead i live in the dark side.i want to get out of there but always something pulls me back in.
i don't want to imitate people,and i can't differenciate between copy and inspired.
i try my best but i dun feel like i even tried at all.
i dread school.alot.i hate it so much.they say it's the best time of our lives.i dunno what to say.
i keep telling myself that i will live to my dream and satisfy myself, but i dunno if God will allow.i feel pressured with my duties, i want a break but i keep thinking of those burdens as i take that pause.
i tell myself all the things i want to do, accomplish them but i dun feel the will power from myself.everytime i'm sure of what interests me, someone buzzes me a zillion disadvantages of it.
i want to live, at the same time i feel like going home to the sky.i believe God, but i can't help but question him some things.
i'm trying to find my direction in life but i lost the compass.or maybe it was always in my hand, i just didnt know how to use it.
excuses rage in my mind.i'm losing control of myself.i want to step up, but i keep stepping down.i keep worrying about others, but i can't get over burdening myself with worries of myself.
depressed, i try to seek for refuge.i believe in God, i talk to him everyday,infact.i just wish i could talk to him face to face.maybe tonight.or maybe tomorrow.
i keep wishing and hoping things would come true, but it feels like i'm not giving enough effort to pursue them, and i keep losing faith.
i keep seeking for forgiveness, but i always make more huger mistakes.it's like a circle that doesn't end.and the circumference is not a smooth one.
i keep losing people, but i dunno how to gain.all that i had is slowly slipping away, friends and all.i try to snatch them back but i feel like an intruder.i shut myself from the mortal world, because i thought i could be independent.
then i realize, again, that maybe i'm really not that independent.
i keep lying to myself, and blaming them on others. i try to change but i dun have the heart to. my life revolves around irony and i'm tired of making myself the clown who frightens people.
i try to be patient, but i can't wait for myself.time is moving to quickly, i keep screaming my whole life.i found out i love crying, and i feel like a failure. i dun dare to say negative things, because i'm afraid i would curse myself, not others.
a selfish, worthless, person.probably an experiment gone wrong.
feel free to take me home, God.
;
6:53 AM
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