Friday, January 22, 2010
as if i have no direction in life anymore.
d direction i want to pick
ppl will stop me
i want to convince them that i can do it, really
so, so, so badly
and what did they do?
i know, i know,
specially u guys, u two A's
i noe u wan d best for me and u even
gimme d whole lesson on what depression will cause
first depression will cause major breakdown
then smth else i cant remember, wud u tell me agn
but i do remember d last one
u said depression will make someone
babble EVRYTHING to some RANDOM person
really?
the thing is,
i broke down yesterday
issit depression or not i dun reli noe
i feel as if my life is uncontrollable
someone or smth keeps getting d way
i try to be considerate
but brought all the trouble to myself
then i try to get something small
reli little back but they wudnt let
cause they think that i had too much
of what i have already had
so yeahh
the taking others for granted evry1 seems to be complaining abt
the person taken for granted is me
i blame myself for what others did
so d person who got hurt wud not hate them
and it really works
somehow
n now that person hates me
i keep asking myself
why am i doing this
issit for pride for fame for reputation
i dunno really
i dun care much about those stuffs but then
i know i just felt like i have to do it
so others wil have a better life
but apparently im being called a loser
a failure especially in leading some people
that was last yr n u noe hw i hated tht part
when i got d blame for smth
that wasnt so bad after all
some1 criticized me on how i look
they called me a slut cause of my fringe
im sry i dint noe i was d only one
so i jz smiled n said im sry i'll change
they did that infront of a thousand and one people
which later that year a JUNIOR reminded me
pin up ur hair lyk seriously
im sry i have to please evryone but me
so yeahh anyway after d whole commercial
later tht day i had to run lyk d wind
exhausted as u noe im nt tht type of girl
n despite i went for my first concert tht day
i was happy but i was bothered mentally n physically
n so i fell sick later that week
for 3 days i missed school cz i jz cudnt face
d fact tht sm ppl see me
with a disgust abt my looks
i feel as if im in my own world
a magical place
i must be getting crazy but i jz cnt stop to think
what did i do till d world is against me
did i murder did i kill
no im sure i didnt
i have lovely frens i understand
but i cnt help but feel lonely
i have an awesome God i can count on
i know but im struggling to stay spritually healthy all life long
im probably gonna breakdown agn after this post
but i cnt help bt notice
i cant seem to trust anyone
with my own secrets cause i just cant
bring myself to say
words i never told any person
i did actually a part of them
but the end is d beginning
n they tried to stop me dreaming
i was determined but so were they
determined to kill my thoughts
of ambitioning of trying
to have my own decisions
i know they want the best for me
but it feels smhw its d best for them
im getting crazy i reli dunno
what to say any longer
evrything i went to do
made evryone disagree somehow
im not super hot im not popular
but i have dreams that conquer those so called problems
i try hard to control and discipline myself
by going on diets and stopping my food
but my body wont cooperate
wth is wrong w me
my mind says stop eating my body says i cnt resist it
its nt even healthy its totally fat infact
but my body jz wants it n so i started to get pissed
with myself n with everybody
well they tried to make me eat
n kept saying im nt fat
to please them i ate tht gross thing
expecting them to eat with me
but instead THEY stop eating
n asked me to continue eating
stop forcing me n if u think
this whole post is abt my eating habits
well thts only a part n infact
thrs so much problems of mine in dis post
if u can identify then u're a pro
but im nt one to spill my guts onto a white blank screen
with squeaky black fonts
so too bad if u want to noe so badly
its ur choice to keep on investigate
n there we go agn
i tried to control my temper
but u made me lose it agn
i tried not to yell
but u forced me to do so
i tried to think positively
but u made evrything so negative
i tried to please everybody
but not everybody even noticed
i tried to discipline myself
but u had to tempt me n made me lose to me
u asked me to speak d truth so i did
but then u said i was lying but i reli wasnt
u asked me to help n so i did
but then u said i caused trouble instead
u asked me to accompany u n so i did
but ind end u ditched me to be with some1 else
u asked me to keep secrets n so i did
but u never kept for me n so i never trusted any1 anymore
u asked me to make my own decisions n so i gladly did
but then u stop me from making them just cause u think i cnt make it
u asked me to care for people and so i did
i tried as hard as i cud in any possible way
but then u said u hated it when i do
i think im going crazy
;
5:51 AM
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