Sunday, August 29, 2010
i have forgiven, AND forgotten (kinda) about the rows w THEM.
yet im not reli sure if they did the same. look, sorry i acted like a bitch and stuffs, although i didnt and still dont understand what i did to offend your fragile little selves.
anyway, i was trying to clear things off and you guys didnt respond but deliberately ignored my existence, what more to my efforts of trying to patch stuffs up.
fine.
i was pissed, but at least i tried.
maybe not hard enough, but hey, can't i get some brownie points for that?
your harsh responses struck me, and i wanted to give you guys a tight slap then and there.
but i didnt.
bcz i was stopped by my fellow band members and also because i dint have the courage to slap and be responsible for it.
but if i did, i would be a bigger bitch wont i?
i still dun get the me being a bitch part.
am i ignorant?
hah.
well, i forgave you guys for boiling my blood.i have forgotten almost completely about what had happened.but everytime i see you guys giving me the 'i-still-hate-you-look', well, it's kinda beyond my control my brain surfs back to the past incident.
but whatevs.
it's up to you.
if you guys can't get over some small thing like this, my heart feels for you, sorry for you.
and if you could forgive (whatev i did wrong n did nt even realize it, srsly), well good for you. and congatz, ur bitter personality just turned a notch sweeter.
just saying, y' noe.
;
7:30 AM
***
Saturday, May 15, 2010
it started out as a feeling.
yeah i could totally feel it. how obvious can you get?
the stares and the way you react when you see me.
wel, duh. it's SO obvious can't you at LEAST TRY??
okay so you guys are best fren. totally understand the way you guys feel.
like a pair of dominos. one gets mad the other does too.
yeah i totally know that feeling.
but this has to end.
we don't kick people. we are simply human beings made by God and are totally civilized ones.
we have reasons. but you juz don't care to even listen.
yeah.
we aren't much of friends now, need i say more about best friends?
one year of surprise parties, recreation parks, tears and this is hw it ends.
exactly what i thought so.
juz didn't think it would be so soon.
she does have a point. you change your friends each year.
but her point of view for you reasons of doing so?
i reli dun know.nor do i care anymore.
and fyi, if you hate us so much why bother trying to apologize being mad at all?
most importantly, do u NOT have d guts to apologize to someone FACE TO FACE?
facebook chat.
are you SERIOUS??
good things do come to an end.
except are you one of those good things?
who i make friends with you have to comment.
but i'm pretty sure you'll be pissed off your friggin ass if i ever insult your best friend.
great.
she does speak her mind, at least she's honest.
yeah, im talking about your friend.
sharp words she's got at her tongue.
but those are words. we have plenty of those shared words.
too bad.
you couldn't make it more than obvious. even infront of others.
grinning? smirking? disgusted? pissed?
oh please.
try harder to feed people your acts next time.
oh yeah.
i feel mean.
why should i sin for you?
i guess venting feelings out is better than keeping them in right?
yeah. we pretty much suck.
state the obvious.
tsk. you think those words bring us down?
think again.
;
8:41 AM
***
Sunday, April 4, 2010
sighhh time jz blinks fast doesnt it? i keep telling myself it's 2010 but my heart doesn't seem to accept that fact. why am i living each second so restlessly? i take things for granted alot and that's why i waste alot of my time.
i really miss my past, and maybe, that's why i don't seem to move on with my present life, at the same time, ironically, i'm planning my future.
it seems as if juz yesterday i graduated from prim school, a few hours ago in form 2 dj, and taman sea, a dream last night.and if it's true, i have wasted alot of time overnight.
i can't tell between good or bad.right or wrong.benefiting or stealing.happy or sad.my emotions are mixed up.i keep asking for me but taking from myself even more.i can't seem to be satisfied at all, and really ungrateful.
i have friends, but i can't tell their true self, one says this the other says that. i have family but the fights dun seem to be forgiven nor forgotten.i have Lucky,thankfully,a shoulder to lean on, but won't help much with solving the problems.i want so much things to be done prefectly, but i have just so little time. i want to have fun, i dun want to work, but i feel really useless and irresponsible.
i'm like a damsel in distress.
i'm not poor,nor am i rich, nor am i average.i'm like living in a world of my own , where my selfishness is the king.i want people to listen to what i say, but i dun want them to offer to listen. i want to speak whenever i want, and not when they asked me to.i dun want to feel like a burden to people, but i can't seem to please anyone.
i want to help people, but i can only listen, not help.i want to pursue my dreams, but the obstacle is so huge i'm not sure if there is even a road behind it.
what if i slept tonight and never woke up?what if i did?
i have faith but sometimes i have faith that i don't have faith.
i can't seem to see bright sides, instead i live in the dark side.i want to get out of there but always something pulls me back in.
i don't want to imitate people,and i can't differenciate between copy and inspired.
i try my best but i dun feel like i even tried at all.
i dread school.alot.i hate it so much.they say it's the best time of our lives.i dunno what to say.
i keep telling myself that i will live to my dream and satisfy myself, but i dunno if God will allow.i feel pressured with my duties, i want a break but i keep thinking of those burdens as i take that pause.
i tell myself all the things i want to do, accomplish them but i dun feel the will power from myself.everytime i'm sure of what interests me, someone buzzes me a zillion disadvantages of it.
i want to live, at the same time i feel like going home to the sky.i believe God, but i can't help but question him some things.
i'm trying to find my direction in life but i lost the compass.or maybe it was always in my hand, i just didnt know how to use it.
excuses rage in my mind.i'm losing control of myself.i want to step up, but i keep stepping down.i keep worrying about others, but i can't get over burdening myself with worries of myself.
depressed, i try to seek for refuge.i believe in God, i talk to him everyday,infact.i just wish i could talk to him face to face.maybe tonight.or maybe tomorrow.
i keep wishing and hoping things would come true, but it feels like i'm not giving enough effort to pursue them, and i keep losing faith.
i keep seeking for forgiveness, but i always make more huger mistakes.it's like a circle that doesn't end.and the circumference is not a smooth one.
i keep losing people, but i dunno how to gain.all that i had is slowly slipping away, friends and all.i try to snatch them back but i feel like an intruder.i shut myself from the mortal world, because i thought i could be independent.
then i realize, again, that maybe i'm really not that independent.
i keep lying to myself, and blaming them on others. i try to change but i dun have the heart to. my life revolves around irony and i'm tired of making myself the clown who frightens people.
i try to be patient, but i can't wait for myself.time is moving to quickly, i keep screaming my whole life.i found out i love crying, and i feel like a failure. i dun dare to say negative things, because i'm afraid i would curse myself, not others.
a selfish, worthless, person.probably an experiment gone wrong.
feel free to take me home, God.
;
6:53 AM
***
Friday, January 22, 2010
as if i have no direction in life anymore.
d direction i want to pick
ppl will stop me
i want to convince them that i can do it, really
so, so, so badly
and what did they do?
i know, i know,
specially u guys, u two A's
i noe u wan d best for me and u even
gimme d whole lesson on what depression will cause
first depression will cause major breakdown
then smth else i cant remember, wud u tell me agn
but i do remember d last one
u said depression will make someone
babble EVRYTHING to some RANDOM person
really?
the thing is,
i broke down yesterday
issit depression or not i dun reli noe
i feel as if my life is uncontrollable
someone or smth keeps getting d way
i try to be considerate
but brought all the trouble to myself
then i try to get something small
reli little back but they wudnt let
cause they think that i had too much
of what i have already had
so yeahh
the taking others for granted evry1 seems to be complaining abt
the person taken for granted is me
i blame myself for what others did
so d person who got hurt wud not hate them
and it really works
somehow
n now that person hates me
i keep asking myself
why am i doing this
issit for pride for fame for reputation
i dunno really
i dun care much about those stuffs but then
i know i just felt like i have to do it
so others wil have a better life
but apparently im being called a loser
a failure especially in leading some people
that was last yr n u noe hw i hated tht part
when i got d blame for smth
that wasnt so bad after all
some1 criticized me on how i look
they called me a slut cause of my fringe
im sry i dint noe i was d only one
so i jz smiled n said im sry i'll change
they did that infront of a thousand and one people
which later that year a JUNIOR reminded me
pin up ur hair lyk seriously
im sry i have to please evryone but me
so yeahh anyway after d whole commercial
later tht day i had to run lyk d wind
exhausted as u noe im nt tht type of girl
n despite i went for my first concert tht day
i was happy but i was bothered mentally n physically
n so i fell sick later that week
for 3 days i missed school cz i jz cudnt face
d fact tht sm ppl see me
with a disgust abt my looks
i feel as if im in my own world
a magical place
i must be getting crazy but i jz cnt stop to think
what did i do till d world is against me
did i murder did i kill
no im sure i didnt
i have lovely frens i understand
but i cnt help but feel lonely
i have an awesome God i can count on
i know but im struggling to stay spritually healthy all life long
im probably gonna breakdown agn after this post
but i cnt help bt notice
i cant seem to trust anyone
with my own secrets cause i just cant
bring myself to say
words i never told any person
i did actually a part of them
but the end is d beginning
n they tried to stop me dreaming
i was determined but so were they
determined to kill my thoughts
of ambitioning of trying
to have my own decisions
i know they want the best for me
but it feels smhw its d best for them
im getting crazy i reli dunno
what to say any longer
evrything i went to do
made evryone disagree somehow
im not super hot im not popular
but i have dreams that conquer those so called problems
i try hard to control and discipline myself
by going on diets and stopping my food
but my body wont cooperate
wth is wrong w me
my mind says stop eating my body says i cnt resist it
its nt even healthy its totally fat infact
but my body jz wants it n so i started to get pissed
with myself n with everybody
well they tried to make me eat
n kept saying im nt fat
to please them i ate tht gross thing
expecting them to eat with me
but instead THEY stop eating
n asked me to continue eating
stop forcing me n if u think
this whole post is abt my eating habits
well thts only a part n infact
thrs so much problems of mine in dis post
if u can identify then u're a pro
but im nt one to spill my guts onto a white blank screen
with squeaky black fonts
so too bad if u want to noe so badly
its ur choice to keep on investigate
n there we go agn
i tried to control my temper
but u made me lose it agn
i tried not to yell
but u forced me to do so
i tried to think positively
but u made evrything so negative
i tried to please everybody
but not everybody even noticed
i tried to discipline myself
but u had to tempt me n made me lose to me
u asked me to speak d truth so i did
but then u said i was lying but i reli wasnt
u asked me to help n so i did
but then u said i caused trouble instead
u asked me to accompany u n so i did
but ind end u ditched me to be with some1 else
u asked me to keep secrets n so i did
but u never kept for me n so i never trusted any1 anymore
u asked me to make my own decisions n so i gladly did
but then u stop me from making them just cause u think i cnt make it
u asked me to care for people and so i did
i tried as hard as i cud in any possible way
but then u said u hated it when i do
i think im going crazy
;
5:51 AM
***
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
hahah.Like forever rite people?? xD
Lol. okay. so dec is ending..n so is 2009 =( it's been a blasting year n u guys reli mean alot to me =D so anywayz, dis r stufs tht happened in Dec..
1. 2 Keruing hi-tea : we already had our class party and his hi-tea is actually a substitute of our class trip which we cancelled =( n apperently 4 people(me, Qian, Nicholas and Sean)turned up xD but still...we had it in Holiday Villa (love the cakes!) and after tht we went for bowling (who knew Hol Villa had a bowling arena?? O.o)
2. Scouts Party : in Aman Suria clubhse but i went thr late coz i wasn't feeling very well tht day and thus missed out d swimming part n d videos almost made me cry =(
3. Elevate camp 2009 =D : the most AWESOME-est Camp ever!! xD was in Le Paris Hotel in Port Dickson (n yes, just by d beach =D) a camp by DUMC aka Dream Centre..=D it was life-changing, n totally drew me closer to God (AWESOME =D) n i met new ppl (Elena, Joanna, Jillian n many more hot people xD) which was reli great n i reli love the beach xD plus, we get to stay in hotel rooms *gasps* with TV *more gasps* n comfy beds *gasps gasps gasps* xD d food wasn't reli bad either dey had punch! xD but i dint gt a chance to try them sadly =( mainly hung out w Auds n Jinny n Elena n Rachel n it was reli reli reli FUN xD wll DEFINITELY come agn nxt year =D
4. CF Christmas Party : Also in Aman Suria clubhse n totally fun! xD d first icebreaking game was fun n funny xD den jiin-may, auds, jin n i hung out in d park while eating and me kena bomb-ing by jiin n jin xD
"look, Audrey's Back!" me: "where?? *hear footsteps* Audrey u thr?" *some random Aman Suria resident jogging in d park stares at me as he walks past* *jiin n jin laughs out loud*
real funny guys! -.-
5. Rust In Rain : it was TOTALLY NOT my idea for the band! xD either Dharmiisha's or Timothy's cause I am NOT involved n Qian wanted to name us 'Rush' which to be honest, wud be MUCH better than RUST IN RAIN ( me: doesnt make sense! Dharmiisha: *luks at Tim* wt doesn't make sense? u put stufs in d rain n they'll rust rite? n i tot u were smart me: -.- i KNOW THAT but so WHAT? so stufs RUST? so?? i mean lyk ok imagine a reli grand n high class place n dey go lyk presenting... RUST IN RAIN!! ??? it sounds SO weird! Miisha: what? so what abt 'kings of leon' huh? 'linkin park'? ' 9 INCH NAILS??' me : *laughin* T.T) n so i cudnt stop d name xD but we had a blast in our band performance in timothy's church - SSMC n apparently many ppl thr were from bentong, which is my hometown n my parents' in fact i think one of them lived juz opposite!! *gasps* hahah but yeahh so tht's Rust in rain for u =) we did 21 Guns, Wake Me Up When September Ends, Mum Bai's Kau Ilhamku then 5 minutes break (n d guys did Smoke On d water, dun ask me why) then silent night, then instrumental Michael Jackson's Beat It then my two solos (keyboard n singing) - Our Master, Our Saviour by Viola and As The Deer, then d guys did Sultans of the Swing *sweet xD* n finally we ended w d supposingly Miisha's guitar solo but ended up doing it w Tim - Wish you were here...=D so yeahh thts basically it..n while we're hvin fun performing n me posting this blog, i wanna apolgize to someone out thr for not replyin ur txts n nt explainin why u were out. i'm sry. i did wt i cud. i'm reli reli reli sry i crossed ur life n made u suffer.i'm sry. i noe it wasn't fair at all to u n my apology won't make evrythin go round but yeahh i'm sry.reli.but maybe they were rite. i dint noe u tht well but i cud tell.maybe u shud change into a better person n mayb then ppl wil learn to like u more n welcome u more. i duno man.i aint gona see u wayz nxt yr bt yea hope u read dis.jz a piece of word. yea. im sry.
6. Frens ovr my hse : Auds, Ash, Yang Zhen, Jinny n Lyn. read Ash's blog for more details on her point of view xD well i mean dey were ovr to help me plan d bash thts in 2 more weeks n i'm invitin awesome ppl ovr (ps: everyone's awesome =D) n so yeahh..maybe not all, but u noe, more than some but less than all tht kinda thing? y noe? so yeahh i had to go off for band prac cz tht day was sat n d performance was on sun n so i had to prac in tim's hse which i found out on d 3rd/4th time in tim's hse then i realize tht lyn(shin yiing)'s hse was juz sorta-opposite his hse xD n so i went thr for a few mins after prac xD ohh n did i mention? ashlyn makes AWESOME COOKIES!!! xD yeah girl!! PLEASE WUD U BAKE SOME FOR D BASH??? PLSPLSPLSPLS xD
7. Christmas Day : well, it was awesome of course, bro n i shining turtles xD hahah its lyk on its shell dey have dis LED light thingy n wen in a dark room n u turn on d turtle d shell shines some stars n a moon on to d ceiling cool huh? xD it costs RM99 (mom forgt to tear off d price tag xD)
8. well..i'm almost done now but d year isn't over yet! (n so is d hols xD) i'll reli reli miss 2009...i had met alot of situations which made me had moodswings n stufs but u guys stil rock!! i'm so GLAD God answered my prayers!! =D
With Love and MOre to come,
carmen liao jia yuin =D
;
12:25 AM
***
Monday, November 30, 2009
as i hv nt written anyth for lyk foreverrrrr hahah well i'll jz update u w sm exciting events tht i will alwayss rememberr!! xD
1. Class 2 Keruing of 2009 - noisy but exciting; mean but hilarious; annoying but fun; shocking but surprising; bad but good; crazy but indescribable n def canNot be compared to othr classes xD
2. The CAST (DJ's Got Talent 2009!) - hahah i cried 3 times tht day before i went onstage( i was super worried coz i almost lost my voice since abt 3-4 days ago n i was scared i cudnt sing ) but then jinny n batai-frenz + othr performers were reli encouraging n made me cry (agn) yeapp though d sausages n mash made me laugh more than comforted -.- n then i went onstage, praying reli reli reli hard for d upteenth time b4 i went onstage, tried my reli reli reli best n d last of my voice onstage, finish performing, then came downstage, n cried.agn.yeap.coz i played d wrong note n i dint bow n i tot i sounded horrible.then when pn. julie was gonna announce d no.1 winner for d groups/bands, i went outside d dewan, afraid, we dint gt it, when i heard her announcing " The ... " n evry1 outside cheered n i was lyk "The WHAT?" n wei ann saw me n she was lyk, Go! u won! lolx i was so surprised/shocked i cudnt express anyth lol but yea..i reli reli reli LOST all DOUBTS of GOD, yea, lyk srsly, tht moment i was lyk, God, u're truly AWESOME!!! xD i'll nvr forgt this moment of my life..=D
3. Relationships - well.yea.d love side of my life isnt exactly too great.(n yeah i have one! O.o) i reli dunno wt i wan.girl meets guy.girl wans guy.girl gts ovr guy.guy wans girl.guy asks girl.girl confused.yeap.pretty much it.u shud noe wt kind of girl i m ppl hu noe me this well.kayz, wayz, when i said 'relationships', i meant friendships too.yeap.im reli reli reli proud (nt sombong kind) tht i hv awsm frenz!! hahah.well i cnt exactly hv d patience of Alison to name n describe evry person so detailed (which, btw, was RELI RELI RELI sweet of u!!great to hv u in my lifee!! xD) but yeahh..here goes sm ppl tht mean alot alot alot to me...
* Ashley Foo - u r an awsm best fren,n i wish u were in d same skul as me. xD
* Alison Seow - well, duhh u ARE my best fren, too, n i cnt imagine life in dj if i didnt meet u =D
* Voon Keng Seng - u noe what i wanna say n wt i tink, n thts wt made u special.=)
* Alicia Ng - a place to share my thoughts n provide awsm frenship tht i'll nvr forgt
* Ai Jin - for cheering me up smhw in wt u do
yeahh i hv lyk a zilllion more ppl to say abt bt it'll take lyk forevr, so i'll jz stop. u guys, whoever tht crossed my life, juz made it better!! xD
well, nt exactly all.but i guess thts when d ppl tht do d opposite of makin ur life better builds up ur character n attitude thus make u more emotional.
I'm an emotional girl.
4. Scouts - well, i did go to d MAJOR SCOUTS CAMP OF THE YEAR - TRIPLEX VORTEX!! woohh..hahah.i think it reli helps ppl to build character n physically n mentally.yeap.i had REAL fun and met new n cool ppl--Alvin, Jo Yee, Mun Keat etc etc. it's reli a camp not to be missed..my first time out into d nature, d forests, n building ur own campsite.yea i love dis part especially, i love my campsite! it's lyk a mini-house, only open-air.hahah.reli reli cute.xP so im tellin u, if u hv d chance to go Triplex, dun waste it!! xD it's worth it..
5. Family - Dad's Birthday =D we celebrated in seaview restaurant..noodle was awesome xD first time celebratin w grandma!! n the cake is DE-LI-CIOUSS!!! xD I LOVE u DADDY!! xD
6. Choon Ying - YEAHH da GAL is BACKK!! xD after lyk 3 yrs..hahah n she said moz prob cmin bck after 3 yrs lol oh yeahh n she looks SO MUCH lyk a WESTERNER n her hair grew LONGER n she's SOOO prettyy!! xD (ps: i'm NOT lesbo okay, m totally straight xD) hahah so yeah anywayz i reli reli reli miss tht girl laa so shin yiing n i went out w her during yukchai grad day xD n i gt to spend half d day w her includin her followin me to d dentist xD then 1-U hahah it was reli AWESOME to hv her bck xD
7. I can't wait for Dec =D
;
5:03 AM
***
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
jz fin blog-surfingg..n i jz wanna say im glad my life is juz lyk this!! xPP
sean: hey wt course r u gonna pick in college?
me: umm..i dunno...
sean: (shock)what?! u hv 3 MORE YEARS to go, n u DUNNO?!
me: (thinking: he qi sin adi ah) uhhm..i mean..ok fine.what r YOU gonna choose?
sean: ('proudly') im gonna take POLITICAL SCIENCE!!
me: ohh uhhuh okayy, gud luck den
sean: hey u're gonna see me in newspapers okay..
me: hahahhah rite...*dot dot dot*
i couldn't bomb sean, so i jz dint bother to.
Later...
Me: hey wt r u gonna choose wen u go to college?
qian: ori-smth-smth..
me: what does or-smth-smth means?
qian: cancer
me: O.O u gonna b a doctor?
qian(serious): yes
me: ohh uhhuh
qian: wt r u gonna do?
jiang: yeahh
me: uhhmm it's a surprise.
jiang: surprise?
qian:...
me: yeahhh
jiang: oh i noe u're gonna do d cosmetics ting...
qian: hahah yeahh!
me: *dot* . *dot* . *dot* .
well...it's a surprise!! nt bcz i dunno wt to choose, i alredi did since i was abt 12..=DDD i jz love to surprise ppl n see their faces..xDD
Po Po (grandma) juz came to our hse today to stay...nt sure when she's going bck bt she cooks REALLY AWESOME DISHES!!! *sigh* i wish grandpa wud jz gt bck his 'semangat' n try to walk, coz we miss him so muchh...=((
Get well REALLY REALLY SOON!!! =DD
loving d way i m nw,
Ciao! xDD
;
7:24 AM
***
